Marriage Flavor 
Expectant fathers
Four expectant fathers were in Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.
The nurse comes in and tells the first man, "Congratulations, You're the father of twins."
"What a coincidence" the man exclaims. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."
The nurse returns a short while later and tells the second man, "You are the father of triplets."
"Wow, what a coincidence" he replies. "I work for the 3M Corporation."
When the nurse comes again, she tells the third man that his wife has given birth to quadruplets.
"Another coincidence I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."
At this point, the fourth guy faints. When he comes to, the others ask what's wrong.
"What's wrong? I work for Seven-Up."
God's Handiwork
Grandpa and granddaughter were sitting talking when she asked, "Did God make you, Grandpa?"
"Yes, God made me," the grandfather answered.
A few minutes later, the little girl asked him, "Did God make me, too?"
"Yes, He did," the older man answered.
For a few minutes, the little girl seemed to be studying her grandpa, as well as her own reflection in the mirror, while her grandfather wondered what was running through her mind.
At last she spoke up. "You know, Grandpa," she said, "God's doing a lot better job lately."
Lack of communication
Three construction workers sat on the edge of an unfinished skyscraper while eating their lunch. The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Tuna Fish! If I get Tuna Fish one more time, I'm going to jump!".
Then the second fellow opened his lunchbox and said, "Ham! If I get a ham sandwich one more time, I'm going to jump as well!".
Then the third guy opened his lunchbox and said, "Peanut Butter! If I get a peanut butter sandwich one more time I'm going to jump, too!"
The next day, the three workers, sat again on the edge of the skyscraper to eat their lunch.
The first one opened his lunchbox and said, "Tuna Fish!
That's it!" and he jumped off the skyscraper and died.
The second fellow opened his lunchbox and said, "Ham!" and he jumped off the skyscraper and died.
The third guy opened his lunchbox and said, "Peanut Butter!" and he jumped off the skyscraper and died.
At their funerals the three widows of the construction workers talked together. The first one's widow cried, "I wish to God I had never made that sandwich!" The second fellow's widow sobbed, "If only he had told me!" The third guy's widow said, "It's his own fault, he makes his own sandwiches..."
Tips on love. From those that should know..
(all questions were answered by kids, age 5-10).
WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??
"Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom." (Judy, 8)
"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife" (Tom, 5)
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date."(Mike, 10)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??
"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding."(Jim, 10)
"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours."(Kally, 9)
THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??
"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them." (Lynette, 9)
"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble."(Kenny, 7)
CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE
"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular." (Jan, 9)
"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." (Harlen, 8)
ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE
"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." (Roger, 9)
"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)
ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE
"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)
"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)
"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time."(Christine, 9)
CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS
"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)
CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE
"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)
"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)
"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)
THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER
"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)
SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU
"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." (Del, 6)
"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)
"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." (Bart, 9)
HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?
"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love." (John, 9)
"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8)
"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are on fire." (Christine, 9)
WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"
"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (Michelle, 9)
HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS
"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you." (Doug, 7)
"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9)
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10)
HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE
"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)
"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." (Roger, 8)
"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy, 8)
Tough love
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die." ]
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him,it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
With apologies to women
A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes them tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"
Marriage is a mystery...
Son: Is it true? Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!
Wrong Man
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
Men, men, men...
It was their first date, and she'd shown the patience of a saint as he babbled on and on about his hobbies, his pet peeves, his driving techniques, and even the standards he used to choose his barber.
Finally, he came up for air and said, "But enough about me. Let's talk about you."
She breathed a sigh of relief.
He went on, "What do you think about me?"
Still looking...
Manny is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten married, and Manny just dates and dates.
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"
"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together.
̉So Manny! Did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just like your Mother?'
Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My mother loved her, they became fast friends."
"Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"
Mother in Law
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother. The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife said, "What are we going to do?"
"Nothing," said the hunter, "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."
Husband unwanted
A woman went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing.
The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."
The next-door neighbor protested, "But your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."
The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants him back?"
Four letter word
A young couple got married & went on a cruise for their honeymoon.
When they got back from the honeymoon, the bride immediately called her mother, who lived a couple of hours away.
"Well, darling," said her mom, "how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mother," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic, we had a terrific time! But, mother, as soon as we returned, Sam began using really horrible language... Stuff I'd never heard before... Really terrible 4-letter words... You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MOTHER!"
And the new bride began to sob over the telephone.
But honey," the mother countered, "WHAT 4-letter words?"
"I can't tell you, mother," said the daughter, "they're too awful! COME GET ME, P-L-E-A-S-E !!!"
"Darling daughter, you must tell me what has you so upset... Tell mother the 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Mother....words like: DUST...WASH......IRON....COOK.'
Everything revealed
Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?"
The guy answers, "Yes, I've never even looked at another woman."
St. Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in heaven."
The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out."
St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven."
The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I've chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women."
St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven."
The three guys go off on their separate ways.
A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1's Rolls-Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar and find guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar. They come up to him, and guy #2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad - you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls-Royce and everything is great!"
He says, "I saw my wife today!"
The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?"
He answers, "She was driving a Yugo!"
Mothers' advice
Mother's advice to her famous offspring:
- Alexander the Great's mother: "How many times do I have to tell you - you can't have everything you want in this world!"
- Franz Schubert's mother: "Take my advice, Son. Never start anything you can't finish."
- Achilles' mother: "Stop imagining things. There's nothing wrong with your heel."
- Madame de Pompadour's mother: "For heaven's sake, child, do something about your hair!"
- Sigmund Freud's mother: "Stop pestering me! I've told you a hundred times, the stork brought you!"
(c) Fr. Pius Sammut, OCD. Permission is hereby granted for any non-commercial use, provided that the content is unaltered from its original state, if this copyright notice is included.