Heaven Flavor 
Diet is VERY dangerous
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven. "
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part. . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
Dust you are and...
A little boy had just got home from Sunday School and mom was cooking lunch.
"Mommy, is it true that before you're born you're just dust and after you die you go back to being dust?"
"That's right son, why?"
"Well that's just what they said at church today."
"Run up stairs and wash your hands son, lunch will be ready in a few minutes."
About 10 minutes went by and she called out for him to come down. "I'll bethere in a minute." As they were about to sit down at the table, the little boy asked again about being dust before being born and after you die.
Once again mother said "Yes son".
The little boy looked at her and solemnly declared, "Then you better get up to my room pretty quick, because there is someone under my bed either coming or going!!"
Grace before meals
In the middle of a forest, there was a missionary who was suddenly confronted by a huge, mean bear. In his fear, all attempts to chase the bear away were unsuccessful. Finally, he turned and ran as fast as he could.
The missionary ran and ran and ran, until he ended up at the edge of a very steep cliff. His hopes were dim.
Seeing no way out of his predicament, and with the bear closing in rather quickly, the missionary got down on his knees, opened his arms, and exclaimed, "Dear God! Please give this bear some 'religion!'"
The sky darkened and there was lightning in the air. Just a few feet short of the missionary, the bear came to abrupt stop, and glanced around, somewhat confused. Suddenly, the bear looked up into the sky and said,
"Thank you, God, for the food I'm about to receive...."
As soon as he arrived in heaven, the missionary immediately queried why God did not intervene at his earnest prayer. A solemn voice thundered in response: "Your prayer, son, was just pleading and supplication while the bear's prayer was all praise and thanksgiving..."
Heaven's pavement
Determined to "take it with him" when he died, a very rich man prayed until the Lord gave in. There was one condition: he could bring only one suitcase of his wealth. The rich man decided to fill the case with gold bullion.
The day came when God called him home. St. Peter greeted him, but told him he could not bring his suitcase. "Oh, but I have an agreement with God," the man explained.
"That's unusual," said St. Peter. "Mind if I take a look?" The man opened the suitcase to reveal the shining gold bullion.
St. Peter was amazed. "Why in the world would you bring pavement?"
How I Got Into Heaven..
Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"
So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!
By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.
The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.
Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the line. He was walking all twisted, cramped in an clumsy, bumbling shape. Again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."
Nature of God
A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him some questions:
"God, how long is a million years to you?"
And God said, "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked, "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God said "A million dollars is like a penny."
The man thought for a moment and asked, "God, will you give me a penny?"
And God said, "In a minute."
Tough luck
A steamer developed trouble in one of its pressure valves in its engine room that caused an explosion. The ship was sinking fast, but the crew acted swiftly to get the passengers off onto life rafts. Finally, the crew started piling into the rafts. When it got down to the last 3-man lifeboat, only the Captain and three of his crew were left behind.
The Captain turned to his crew: "I don't believe these stories about the captain going down with his ship, and since there is only enough room in this lifeboat for three of us, I'm going to ask each of you one question. Whoever answers correctly can get into the lifeboat."
The Captain addressed the first sailor: "What famous 'Unsinkable' ship went down after striking an iceberg?" The first sailor immediately responded, "The Titanic, sir!" and climbed into the lifeboat.
Then the Captain asked the second sailor: "How many people went down with the Titanic?" The second sailor immediately responded, "One thousand, three hundred and forty-seven, Sir!" and climbed into the lifeboat.
Turning to the last sailor, the Captain asked: "And what were their names?"
Obviously the poor guy finished in the sea...but, thanks be to God, was salvaged hours later.
(c) Fr. Pius Sammut, OCD. Permission is hereby granted for any non-commercial use, provided that the content is unaltered from its original state, if this copyright notice is included.