Bible Flavor


Exclusive Tours

GALILEAN TOUR ASSOCIATES, INCORPORATED
27 Temple Road
Capernaum, Galilee

01.XI.452 A.U.C.

(Rev.) H.R. Stockert
2 Park Avenue
Granville, NY 12832
Re: Biblical Tours in Time, Inc.

Dear Rev. Stockert:

We have recently added a full-time relativistic thaumaturge to our staff professional employees, and as a consequence are now able to provide such as no other travel agency in the history of the world has been able to provide. We can do so at prices absolutely nobody can match.

We offer full and complete money-back-if-not-fully-satisfied guarantees;all funds submitted will be put into escrow and held for one year after thedeparture dates. At the end of that year, any moneys not refunded will be turned over to our travel bureau account and further restitutions will not be made.

We have a number of generous plans and programs, and for each of them there are free accommodations and various other incentives for the organizers of those tours. Please refer to our literature on the subject. We will send you a fully documented and completely detailed brochure of those benefits and eligibility requirements upon request.

Some of the tours, for example, are the following. Can you really imagine large numbers of YOUR parish who would NOT be interested in tours such as the following:

1) THE MOSES TOUR: Leaves Cairo every 40 years; you should be cautioned that contacting 600,000 co-tourists takes some considerable time, and much planning. The benefits to the organizer, however, are - to say the least - extravagant. Featured cuisine: quails, strange white stuff, water from our own Secret Rock Fountain. Desserts: milk and honey at the end of the tour.

2) THE ELIJAH TOUR: You might feel alone, from time to time, on top of lovely Mount Carmel, but there are special 3-D glasses provided for truly angelic viewing. Only one-way airfare is necessary, a cost-saving item. Return in a chariot of fire. Requirement: Must eat like a bird.

3) THE SAUL OF TARSUS TOUR: Ride the donkeys from Jerusalem to Damascus. Strange visions in the magic hours on the road. Blu-Blocker sunglasses provided standard to prevent against sudden blinding lights along the way. Live in four-star dungeons, enjoy probable shipwreck on bonus adjunct rider tour to Rome. Special attraction : Malta. Bring plenty of materials for letter writing.

4) THE ISAIAH RIDER: If you hear a voice saying: "Go!" you'll enjoy Servant Airlines' tour to different northern cities. Some say the second week of the tour was designed by a different party, but really, it's all one tour.

5) THE NOAH TOUR: Not for claustrophobics; a special 365-day cruise around the world. Paradise, Paramedics, Paratroopers. A para everything. Visit gopherwood ark-building factory.

6) THE RUTH TOUR: Wherever we go, you'll go. Wherever we eat, you'll eat. Our tour will be your tour. Glean much from the Word. Enclosed discount coupon must be redeemed by a close family member.

7) THE BALAAM RIDER: Play the original donkey videogame with a special voice module.

8) THE SARAH TOUR: Lots of laughs. Don't go if you're 89 years old. Older oryounger will be acceptable, but NOT 89 years. May return with extra members to the family.

9) THE JONAH TOUR: Leaves Cleveland, Ohio, destination Los Angeles, California. Arrives Israel by no choice of your own. This tour is "made in the shade." You'll know your tour guide in the airport. He'll be under the sign, "Hell, no! We won't go!"

10) THE SIMON PETER TOUR: Ride the fishing boats on the Sea of Galilee, water-walking option available. See the famous memorial of the "falling sheet" on the rooftop in Jaffa, view the videocassette of the original version of "True Confessions." Visit the 1998 Jerusalem rooster- crowing contest.

11) THE JESUS OF NAZARETH TOUR: Who knows where it will end up? Who knows where He will lead you? His words to us were simply this: "Follow Me." The intrigued should find themselves especially interested in this mystery tour.

More details and a schedule of prices will be sent you upon your request. Feel free to contact me directly, if you feel the slightest interest in any of the above.

Sincerely,

U. Kenneth Fleecem, president
FLEECEM, FLEECEM & RUNNER


Genesis, computer version

A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about whoseprofession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden.

Whereupon the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."

The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."

The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"


Genesis, parents version

Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"

"It's over there," said God, wondering why he hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and he was angry. "Didn't I tell you not to eat that?" first parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I don't know," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is a reassurance In this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it don't be hard on yourself.If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?



The Top 16 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. -- Deuterononmy (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

Find a prostitute and marry her. -- Hosea (Hosea 1:1-3)

Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. -- Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)

Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. -- Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)

Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. -- Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)

Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you a rib. -- Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)

Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a woman. -- Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)

Cut off 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. -- David (I Samuel 18:27)

Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative of course.) -- Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)

Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. -- Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)

When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ...woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." -- Samson (Judges 14:1-3)

Kill any husband and take HIS wife. (Prepare to lose four sons though). -- David (2 Samuel 11)

Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea, it's the law). -- Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. -- Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)

A wife?...NOT!!! -- Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)


Psychological Screening of the Twelve Apostles


GALILAEAN RESEARCH ASSOCIATES
27 TEMPLE ROAD
CAPERNAUM, GALILEE
ALEPH/BETH/GHIMEL VET/HAU/ALEPH

12 Nisan A.D. 30


Jehoshua Bar-Joseph
Nazareth, Galilee Tetrarchy of Herod
HE/ALEPH/ZAYIN HAU/GHIMEL/HE


Dear Mr. Bar-Joseph,

We would like to thank you for the list of prospective appointees for your organization. Twelve seems to be a rather small number for the size of theorganization you envision, however, we have run the profiles you enclosedthrough our standard computerized series of tests and have enclosed the hardcopy printouts herewith.

Permit us to offer a few preliminary observations. You may, perhaps, deemit premature, but we consider it of sufficient importance to include the more salient features here. It is our earnest hope that you give these observations your most serious attention.

With reference to Mr. Shimon Bar-Jonah: Our tests indicate unanimously a high degree of instability in his disposition. He seems inordinately emotional, prone to boasting (the kind, if you will permit us to say so, whowill think he can walk on water, but will sink like a rock at the first sign of difficulty), and it is our considered opinion that he is likely to engage, when confronted with opposition or unpleasantness, in displays of anger and vituperation. He seems to have an inordinately high opinion of himself and of his abilities. There is also evidence of vacillation in his tests, and it is recommended that you reconsider your intention to appoint him to the most prominent position in your new organization. Frankly, we do not think him capable of handling it.

The appointment of the two brothers, James and John Bar-Zebedee, are of equal concern. It has struck our analysts that they are quite likely to present an image diametrically opposed to that which you wish your organization to present. Their violent posturings in public and their constant insistence on being in the forefront of activity, their propensity to violent displays (Really! Threatening Samaritan villages with fire and brimstone? In THIS day and age?) Their love of the limelight and positionsof honor are not well calculated to present the image of humility and service to mankind you have indicated you wished demonstrated.

Philip is a concern to us as well. He seems rather too lackluster for a position of such dignity. His air of distraction and his inability to concentrate give every appearance of retardation. Quite frankly, he strikesus as the type of man who would misplace his own father and spend the rest of his life asking his neighbors "Have you seen my Father? Show me the Father." All in all, bad for your image.

It strikes us that to head your new organization, you would require a man of considerable prudence who is able to make the hard decisions, who has some sense of vision and the courage to follow it. It would seem he would need to have some charisma in that a pleasing public persona would be of enormous benefit, and some fiscal experience would also be an asset. We would like to remember Mr. Judas Iscariot for the position you had in mind.

We are always pleased to be of service to you, and hope our services have proved of benefit to you. If we can be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to call on us again. We plan to be opening a branch office in Jerusalem in two or three years. We will, at that time, forward your organization's brochure to the Jerusalem office for your convenience and that of our staff.


All hail Caesar! Shalom!

Zachariah Ben-Hur, President

zbh/cds/cc/enclosures (12)



(c) Fr. Pius Sammut, OCD. Permission is hereby granted for any non-commercial use, provided that the content is unaltered from its original state, if this copyright notice is included.